Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash

We’ve all experienced being hurt by someone, or hurting someone, as a result of careless words or thoughtless actions. It may be from a stranger, or a family member, or a friend. Maybe even another Christian. But what are we to do when we are truly hurt by another person? In Matthew 18:15–17, Jesus gave us counsel on how to deal with such situations. I have often heard this text used as an example of church discipline. However, I’d like to suggest a different purpose for this counsel: Relationship repair.

This is how it begins: “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother” (verse 15).

First things first: this is what we do if someone “sins” against us. It is not a generic, “if someone sins” statement. Rather, these are the steps we take when someone has done something to injure our relationship with them. Jesus also reveals the purpose of His counsel right away: to gain our brother back, not to give us opportunity to get restitution or revenge (or discipline).

Interestingly, the first step is for us to go, by ourselves, to the person. This step is often ignored. Typically, we want to wait for the other person to apologize—“He hurt me, he can come to me”—but Jesus tells us to take the first step. We also want to avoid the person entirely if possible. How many times have you complained about how another person has hurt you when you haven’t talked to that individual privately first? (I know I’m guilty of this). Yet, Jesus says that you should first go and talk to them privately about how they hurt you.

But what if talking to them by yourself does not work? “But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses” (verse 16). These witnesses “establish the charges,” so they should be people who have also witnessed the person hurting you. Yet, it is not to gang up on the person—not a lynch mob—but as in the first step, they are there to help you restore the relationship.

“If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church” (verse 17a). Not much is said here, but continuing on the idea of the first two, it would appear that this step calls upon the whole church to help in restoring the relationship.

“and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector” (verse 17b). To many, this means shun them—treat them as outcasts. This statement is why many view the passage as church discipline guidelines. That doesn’t fit the context though. If this was all about gaining our brother, why would Jesus now say we can hate them? Consider this: how did Jesus treat the Gentiles and tax collectors? He ate with them, ministered to them, and befriended them. No, He’s not giving us permission to hate. He’s telling us that if we are unsuccessful in restoring the relationship, we should start over. We are to treat them as someone who needs to know the message of the Gospel.

When dealing with His own personal relationships, Jesus also lived by this counsel. A great example is Jesus talking to Peter after the resurrection (and after Peter’s denial). Jesus went to Peter, not to confront his denials or to get even, but He came to restore their relationship. Three times Peter denied Jesus, three times he was able to confirm his love for Jesus (John 21:15–17). The end result: a repaired relationship.

Matthew 18:15–17 reveals steps towards reconciliation not discipline. Because reconciliation is at the heart of being a disciple (John 13:35). It is our message and ministry: “All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their sins against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation” (2 Corinthians 5:18, 19, emphasis mine).

Therefore, if one of my relationships has been broken because I have hurt someone, or someone has hurt me (whether it is some unfortunate misunderstanding or purposeful), I have been given the ministry (and guidance) to do all within my power to mend that relationship.

“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another, and if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive” (Colossians 3:12, 13).